When I am weak, you are strong

I continue to struggle about my limitations, weaknesses, and inabilities. If you have been reading my blog for any time at all maybe you are raising your eyebrows and sighing right now. Still???? Me too, believe me. However, I am thinking that I am here over and over again because this is where Jesus is for me - there is real discovery and growth here in this place of honesty and frustration, even though I don't much like it. So I keep writing about it, because I am longing for all of us to share the reality, the struggle, the real christian life; one of frustration and unbelief and feelings of loneliness and failure and 'will I ever get it?' - with each other.

This week here is what I wrote in my journal after voicing my frustrations and anxiety to God yet again. Then I asked Jesus to speak to me, waited a bit, and kept on writing:

"The way into strength is the way into weakness. Until we truly know and understand what we cannot do, what we are unable to accomplish despite our best efforts, how tired and weak we are, how little we really are consistently good at, how selfish we are, how much self-defensiveness and guilt and fear is in our hearts...until we truly know all of that about ourselves, we will never be truly great. We will only make great efforts and give great gifts here and there, demonstrating the love of God sporadically and inconsistently, taking frequent breaks as our own struggles ebb and flow. Consistency and reliability can only come when we have willingly and quietly and wholly embraced our limitations, and when we truly know the grace of God poured out on us in the midst of all that."

This morning in worship the Lord reminded me again that Isreal means 'he struggles with God'. In worship at church I sometimes stress about getting into the right frame of mind, and about keeping up with the victorious shouts or spiritual enthusiasm of others. "Gee, everyone seems to be all excited about God right now, so why do I stand here feeling like sh--?" He reminded me that he loves and invites my struggle. That he does not require the correct posture of me or the correct mindset even in worship; that he just wants me to face him, to turn his way. He doesn't tell me I should have a victorious mentality or even a mind fixed on him and not on my problems...he just wants to be invited to be with me wherever I am.

I think christians who have been so for a long time can build up layers of concepts and ideals and yes, scriptures, of what we should think, how we should live, how much faith we should have, how to say things the right way, what is okay to share with other christians and what isn't, and even what is acceptable to say to God and what isn't. It takes a lot of scraping off all that for us to be able to be gut-wrenchingly honest with God and with ourselves. It isn't fun or easy, and it can feel like we are going away from victory and faith, and not toward it. But that is when and where real change happens and where real victories are won. Just applying an applicable bible verse or a slab of 'faith' over the wound sometimes smothers healing, it doesn't bring it.

Jean Vanier says that is why we need the visibly weak and broken in our communities -because when we reach out and love those who cannot be fixed we remind ourselves too that our value is in who we are, not in what we can do. And when we love those who are broken and not yet healed we remember too that God loves us all no matter where we are on our journey. He has no requirement for us to reach significant milestones at appropriate intervals in our christian life. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us!

a variety of beautiful dead leaves on my lawn...

He/She who has ears to hear...Let him/her hear...

I wonder if my own voice drowns out the gracious voice of God sometimes. I am sitting here with a question for God staring off my journal's page at me, and hearing nothing from Him. But my own voice is loud...my heart fears that God will be harsh and demand me to sacrifice more and more, to work harder, to live with less, to give up everything I love.

I think that this underlying belief prevents me from having accurate conversations with God sometimes - I have an "I know what you are going to say" self-protective attitude - which ends conversation and makes it impossible to hear truly what He is trying to say. The kids do this with their Dad sometimes and I stress about how unfair it is, and how much it shuts the door to any outcome that could be different from what they expect. It's like it totally shuts their ears to hearing anything other than the answer they think they already know.

Is this what Jesus meant when he kept saying "He that has ears to hear, let him hear" all the time? Was this actually a prayer on his part? Or a warning, a challenge? Or a reminder? Can we truly hear what he is saying, or are we hearing what we have already decided he is going to say?

Jesus forgive me for my arrogance in thinking that I know you, for my decision to go with how everything around me - everything I have heard and observed and my own interpretation of the same - has created my view of who you are. Forgive me for every time I have made a decision in my heart about your character without even consulting you or letting you at least explain yourself, or without even consulting your word about who you say you are.

Jesus untangle this messed up, knotted mass of beliefs I have created about you over the years. Find the end Jesus, and gently pull and tug and undo knots and twists; tie broken bits together until it is a straight line to who you truly are.

Luke 19:20-28 (New International Version)

20"Then another servant came and said, 'Sir, here is your mina; I have kept it laid away in a piece of cloth. 21I was afraid of you, because you are a hard man. You take out what you did not put in and reap what you did not sow.'

22"His master replied, 'I will judge you by your own words, you wicked servant! You knew, did you, that I am a hard man, taking out what I did not put in, and reaping what I did not sow? 23Why then didn't you put my money on deposit, so that when I came back, I could have collected it with interest?'

24"Then he said to those standing by, 'Take his mina away from him and give it to the one who has ten minas.'

25" 'Sir,' they said, 'he already has ten!'

26"He replied, 'I tell you that to everyone who has, more will be given, but as for the one who has nothing, even what he has will be taken away.

The end of summer and the coming of cold and snow is announced with such beauty!

In What Tone of Voice? The Perils of Email, Texting and the Written Word

Isn't it weird that here we are in the 21st century and back to relying on the written word?! My kids are abandoning the telephone in favour of email, facebook and esp. texting. Apparently I am just about the only person to actually call them on their cell phones.

The weird thing is that the written word is so inefficient; it's so one-dimensional. There is no gestures, body language, facial expressions and esp. tone of voice to help us understand the message. The number of times people get annoyed at another just because they heard the message in a particular tone is...like, wow.

The thing is, when you read an email or a text or a facebook message, whose voice do we read it in? Yours? Theirs? what if I don't know the sender very well? In that case, the tone of voice I hear when I read can totally depend on what kind of day I am having, and have nothing to do with the sender at all.

I am sure you have experienced reading an email and being totally taken aback by the tone, be it bossy or condesending or snotty or whatever. Some people seem to just type and hit send with no thought to how something might sound when it is read! My husband refers to these as 'snot-grams.' I have been guilty myself of not taking enough care in how I choose my words, and then I have had to spend a lot of time trying to make amends with someone. I have even prefaced an email by saying "please read this in my very nicest tone of voice!"

I was reading a scripture passage the other day that I couldn't get my head or heart around, and I suudenly thought of that. Here we have the whole bible, which is supposed to be God's written word to us. But in what tone of voice? It seems to me that that is a huge question! Try reading passage outloud in two ways, one in an exasperated tone, and the other in a compassionate tone. Totally different! It makes me wonder how often we have interpreted the word of God in a tone of voice completely different than He meant when it was written down. And I wonder where does the tone I hear in my head as I read come from? myself? my mood? That is a bit scary, and possibly more than a bit unfair...

So I have been trying something - I have been asking the Holy Spirit "what tone of voice did you say this in?" when I start to read. I pause for a minute or two, and then read it again. Does it make a difference? Actually yes it does. Seems to me it is a pretty important question to ask.

watching the heron move in closer, closer...

It's Counter-intuitive.

A few years ago we got a new (to us) car, and still I can't seem to get the hang of the button that puts the windows up and down. My husband says it is because it is counter-intuitive. You have to pull the button up, to put the window down. Somehow my brain can't seem to remember that, and when someone walks up to the car to talk to me I still end up pushing and pulling in frustration to get the thing to do what I want.

These last few weeks I have been trying to slow down and take a break from all the things I do church-wise. And this phrase keeps going through my head - "Stop trying to be who you wish you were." I have been sighing a lot about this, since Who-I-wish-I-was is so much nicer and a better person than who I am really. It sounds like a no-brainer, but like the button in the car, it isn't because it is counter-intuitive. It is remarkably difficult to let go and stop with the trying and the effort to get to who I want to be, and to just be. I like that other person, Who-I-wish-I-was, so much better. She is way more sacrificial, energetic, willing to listen and help, ready to take on challenges, to jump in wherever needed. If I stop being her, I will be grouchy, tired, selfish, and turning people down left right and centre. At least in my mind that is how it looks and feels to me.

I think this culture I live in that values success, hard work, achievement and results has seeped into my personal christianity and my church's spiritual life too. We all seem to be trying so hard to make it work and to do this thing.

It's like I think that when I am successful, that's when I will find Jesus, like He will be standing on the platform waiting to shake my hand and hand me my diploma and to say "Good job!" But actually, that isn't where He is at all - He is actually waiting for me to come to Him with my failures and my poverty. "Blessed are the poor in Spirit, for they shall see God." When I am 'on my knees', when I am completely out of energy and ideas and anything sacrificial and I come to Him, that is where He is, waiting for me. It makes sense that He would be there to meet Shelley and not Who-I-wish-I-was, but still...it's uncomfortable for me...and it's counter-intuitive.

Authenticity

People have said to me, and I have heard at different times, that we christians in this church (and other churches too) are not authentic. I have always scratched my head at this accusation, since to me authentic = sincere, and all the people I know are very sincere in their life and faith. I don't know anyone personally in my church who is a two-faced hypocrite christian. So how can you say we aren't authentic?
But since I have been thinking about this - me being Who-I-wish-I-was instead of Shelley - I have been seeing authenticity in a different light. When I am trying to be Who-I-wish-I-was I am sincere in my efforts, for sure. But I am also trying to be someone I am not, as much as I hate to admit that. And that is 'so not' authentic. Sigh...

Counter-intuitive is so hard...



...in the pouring rain...

Welcome, Ben

Friends of ours from out of town dropped in last night, it was so great to see them; a long time has passed since we last saw each other. What was even better though, was that they had their grandson Ben with them. I had heard of Ben, but not had the chance to meet him yet. And boy, is he a cutey pie. He blew us kisses and melted our hearts. This morning I am still feeling warm and fuzzie.

Ben has Down's Syndrome. His parents and grandparents have been through hours and hours of hospital time, surgery; touch-and-go agony. His mom says she could be a nurse now, for all she has learned in the last 2 1/2 years. He is home now, and doing very well. But I can't help thinking that there are people out there who think, but don't ever say out loud, that we waste health-care dollars on these kids with intellectual disabilities that they will never overcome. A doctor somewhere told an acquaintance of mine when her son was brain-damaged during birth, "your son will never be a contributing member of society."

All of us as parents want our kids to grow up to be healthy and happy. All of us as individuals spend our whole lives trying to discover and then to offer something valuable to the world. Ben's parents are no different, and so I want to say to them and to anyone thinking the above:

Here is Ben. The difference between Ben and the rest of us is, the rest of us will spend our whole lives searching for significance. Ben does not need to achieve something amazing to impact us all. All of his family, his cousins, aunts, uncles, his community at church and school, will get to know him and love him over the course of his life. He is a living breathing frequently smiling testimony to the fact that he is valuable not because of his intelligence, abilities, career success or creative acheivements - but because he is a person; he is a son, a brother, a cousin, a nephew, a grandson, a friend, a student, a neighbour, a team member... He is a living loving reminder for all of us of where our true value comes from.

He will love freely and honestly. He will suffer and struggle openly. He will enjoy and celebrate moments in each day and teach all who get to know him to do the same. He will teach all who love him to look for ways to connect with him, for things to enjoy together, to find their common ground - to love him and accept him the way he is. And as he grows up he will surprise and amaze and make us all laugh and cry and discover his unique self.

I am reading Jean Vanier, who's life message is that society should be built around the weak and the marginalized among us, because what they teach us should be foundational to our culture and inside each of us - that every human being is valuable and worthy of love and acceptance, that life is to be taken as it comes and celebrated, and that love and struggles are to be shared with each other. We can read that and nod our heads and think of course that is true, but when you meet and love a special one like Ben, that truth will go from your head into your heart, where you live and where you hold your own opinions about yourself.

So welcome Ben, and thank you to Ben's family for taking such great care of him. I know that such an important gift requires extra care, heartache and sacrifice, and I can't pretend to know what that is like. But thank you.
He is a significant, contributing, vital member of our society.

And he is so cute!
these pictures are not of Ben, but of other little beauties,treasures all.